Dear Lord,
I never realized that I didn't have insight of where my life once was compared to today. I always felt I lived my life according to how I felt comfortable. Now, I am realizing that I was far from comfort, and instead cooped with the lifestyle I chose. You know my heart, and you know that often in sticky or unusual situations, I try to weigh it out as long as I can. Never knowing if it would be a good or bad situation, I try to be optimistic because I know that it isn't right to quit at first opportunity. It came to my surprise that sometimes it is in my best interest to walk away from those opportunity, for some things can be a curse in disguise instead of a pending blessing.
In your word, John 7, you speak of a man that you healed from his blindness. When I read and heard the message, I dawned on me the idea that sometimes we aren't delivered from physical blind conditions. We are delivered through our figurative blind conditions, such as addiction to drugs, sexual encounters, greed, and other things that are not of you. Once you are delivered, people will question you sudden change, and not want to see the good deed in the deliverance. Once the circle of friends you use to encounter will turn their backs because you chose the light instead of darkness. You found a new niche, and they will disapprove because your past will remain what they know you as. It will be hard as first for others to accept you, but once you get the grasp of your life, others who really belong in your life will come along with you.
I was revealed my blindness from pleasing the world and people instead of you. I don't know why I tried to console my actions as comfort when now I look back and see they weren't comfortable, but instead painful and sometimes numbing. My relationship to my ex-boyfriend was somewhat numbing and often painful because my opinion never mattered to him, it was about what he wanted in the end. I thought I wanted the same thing, but realized that I shut out my own voice to make his audible.
I knew that I wasn't really interested in having sex with him when I couldn't find my soul with it's pleasure. Now, sex to me is a chore rather than a passionate, intimate gift. There isn't much pleasure if I constantly have to get my mind back into the sex, be less self-conscious of my body for I am sharing it with someone that won't be my husband, and constantly telling myself how good it feels even though I often don't feel anything at all. It's hard for me to understand how the other participant may feel because I don't feel the same. I can't enjoy sex with someone who isn't exactly mine to claim. If I have to share him with other women, it is almost a competition rather than a gift. I must put myself out there, and vulnerable to make him enjoy it. Where do I exactly fit in? For others, it is easy to shut out his/her emotions during sex and after sex; I on the other hand can't keep the two apart. This is the one time I can show myself without feeling conscious, yet I still do place my conscience in the sex anyways.
I am glad you brought me out of that relationship, so I can truly recognize the sound of my voice again. To be able to tell men that I don't feel comfortable having sex with him when he can't commit to me entirely. I wish I would have paid more attention then so I could have avoided most of these trials, but I am grateful for you helped me to discover myself in the process and aftermath. Now, I pay attention to how I speak to others, my eating habits, my body treatment, my presentation, and those who I keep close to me. Once I regained my eyesight, it was hard to adjust my eyes to the light. With training, patience, and time it will be easier to weed out bad elements and harvest the good.
Now, my goal is to rehabilitate my life: mind, body, soul, spirit; get my life on track. Know who I am before asking the Lord who is meant to be with me. I have three more semesters to go, and I need to be ready for what is next after this chapter has ended. It would be foolish on my part to have someone else join me when I don't know myself where I will go. I don't want to make a poor decision, nor a decision following someone else I have no business chasing. For now, I want to right down the pondering thoughts on paper so I can make sense of where life is heading, and whoever wants to follow shall see the true side of me, the bright as well as the dark side. I will not say that I am perfect, but I shall also say that I am not low, but reaching up high for you.
Love,
Miss Kahnception